Harriet*s face had been etched into a mask of anxiety and pain by the years spent putting herself last while she tried to make bad relationships work. She came up to me on the last day of the course Id been running on Domestic Violence Recovery to tell me how far she had come along her journey. She said shed learned so much that shed wished shed known before. She also said that in recent years she had made better relationships. Shed been through domestic violence and wasnt going there any more. Her latest relationship, which had ended during my course, had not been abusive, but her partner had been difficult, the kind of man who pulls you down. He was, she said, always negative, with no energy, someone who needed her to support him emotionally the whole time. She had found him a drain. He was someone who didnt say or do very much. He relied on her to lift his spirits and do all the caring. He didnt lift a finger around the house, or even buy the occasional bottle of wine to show willing. But still, she had been sad when it had ended because he was a lovely person; he was just a little depressed and depressing her judgement not mine. Then, as she continued to think about her lovely ex, Harriets face changed completely. She said, more to herself than me: Actually, you know, he was abusive. It is abusive to pull your partner down and contribute nothing to a relationship, but take, take, take. She ran quickly through his behaviours and attitudes again registering his constant lack of respect and consideration of her feelings and re-evaluating her entire relationship. And then she said it: Thank God hes gone - the very phrase that became my refrain after my own unlovely partners departure. Harriet had started to see all the limitations that a depressive, inconsiderate partner imposed on her life and all the opportunities and options that lay before her without him there to blight them. It wasnt that she envisaged a future of wild days and nights partying with beautiful people in exotic places. What she saw was being able to return home after a days work, free to do exactly what she wanted. She saw the simple pleasures of being able to cook herself a meal - or not - chat to a friend, flop in front of the television, or soak in a hot tub without the constant need to worry about and lift another persons mood. She saw herself actually having the space to put herself first for once and even love herself first. Instead of last. She saw herself as blessed by his departure, rather than proved to be a failure as a woman and a partner. She saw it as the start of a new and rewarding period in her life her relationship with herself rather than the end of her last hope of ever being in a relationship. She saw it as the door slamming on a miserable past, rather than slamming on any hope of ever creating a worthwhile future. She saw that his presence, rather than his absence, diminished her. She saw that she had a far greater chance of dreaming, and achieving her dreams, without him than she had ever had with him. And instead of bemoaning the failure of the relationship and her single status, she rejoiced in the promise of her future. Thank God, hes gone. Thank God, Harriet can see that anyone who brings her down and disregards her feelings is abusive and that life will be far, far richer without him. *not her real name (C) 2006 Annie Kaszina |
